Enlightening Revelation

I needed him. I knew it from the first moment our eyes locked. There’s was so much character that I craved. This is a person that you could talk to. He listened. He actually did listen. I could be myself around him without being afraid or classified or labeled. Above all, I could tell him all about my deepest pains and darkest moments. The hurt, the vindictive abuse, malice, the turbulence in my heart and mind, the anguish, the bitterness and top of it all the despair. I wanted him to explain to me why it happened? Why have I tolerated? Wasn’t I worthy of Love? Of a Family? Of having a warm home ? of happiness ? or maybe stability?

Will he understand? That didn’t seem to be of huge importance to me. Most importantly, it was something definitive for me that he listens. And that what counts. If he were able to make some sense of all the nonsense that I have gone through, I would have been thankful. But all what I wanted from him was to listen, to probe into my story as I speak my heart and mind out. I wanted to trust him with my very own personal secrets. I needed to let go all of those worries, fears and anxieties off my chest, once and for all. I didn’t want to be miserable anymore, I wanted to start over.

We talked. But I listened more to him, his anecdotes, his overwhelming sense of humor and this air of nobleness that I have never seen before intrigued me. His family was everything; it mattered the most and his kids were his real treasure, the apple of his eye. His expression of love was simple, “I do pleasant things to the people I love to show them that they are loved ; Small, simple but frequent gestures of love”, I guess he was telling the truth. He knew that no matter how hard it may seem now, one day he will be rewarded. It wasn’t a sacrifice. It was faith.

I respected that greatly and admired it too. It was a genuine belief in justice. He was overall content with a wandering soul in quest of peace. His smile shined and his loud laugh blended with the nature around.

He challenged a lot of my ideas and opened to me thought channels that were locked up in some dungeon far, far away behind those hills. He brushed away that dust off the lamp. I could see the sky, the clouds, the birds, all in a different light. I almost forgot that they were there in the first place. I almost forgot what I loved and hated ; what I wanted and dreamt of. All were caressed back to life. They just woke up from that deep hibernation.

The more we talked, the more he captivated my thoughts. He became my directing coach. He was much more than what I wanted. All I wanted was someone who could take me back shore out of this hurricane that I’m living. Instead, He infatuated me.

I was thrown into an emotional rollercoaster. The whole world started to revolve around those talks, those breath-taking winter sunshine’s. I was falling for him. I knew it from that overpowering impatience to be there on time, the sleepless nights, the panic, the euphoria of seeing him, the exhausting thought process of trying to put on that “friend” coat just to fit into his life. But that was not the deal. I was a misfit. I knew it, right that moment that it must stop. I shunned the idea by trying to be a neutral friend, talking very broadly about my misfortunes. However, when your feelings take over, you either numb your conscious and enjoy the ride or fight those emotions and set yourself free. I chose the latter.

It wasn’t easy. I wanted to be selfish and change my mind. The whole thing haunted me, deprived me of sleep. I wanted to be around him. At least I will get to meet him every once in a while talk about many things that matter to me and to him as well. I will try to put that friendship mask, just to be around and love him from a distance. I wanted to intrude, pry into his world but I had no face to do that at all. My conscious burned me and judged me and the verdict was Guilty! How will I stab those who cared about him and needed him most, much more than I do. I can’t live an affair, not only because its morally wrong and unacceptable but because if I genuinely cared, I should vanish. I will not be the distraction to any of his dreams, to tear him apart. I will be as noble as he is to both his family and his dreams.

I may be a wreck now and he may not have known it but how will I sleep knowing that I may have caused a rift between him and his family. I will never be the person who radiates insecurities and raise question marks. Not even in the slightest gesture. It was a beautiful acquaintance and will always be memorable to me.

Yes, he believed that the real beauty lies within. Despite the cruel, harsh reality, we have to empower that deep beautiful soul within to override it. I think I just did empower my inner beauty. I wanted peace too and I think I gave it to him too. It’s overwhelming but endurable.

I woke up on my alarm ringing so loud. Where am I? What was that? It felt like waking up from anesthesia. Everything was blurred. After few moments, with a huge sigh of relief, my body and soul conjured up that strength and wisdom I got from that warm winter enlightening dream.